Don’t Be A Jerk to Your Merchants: A Retention Guide for Modern ISOs

Description

“Don’t Be a Jerk to Your Merchants: A Retention Guide for Modern ISOs” is the brutally honest, heavily caffeinated reality check every ISO swears they don’t need—but absolutely do. Because let’s be real: if retention were actually a priority in this industry, half the ISOs out there wouldn’t still be trying to run customer support with one overworked human, a shared Gmail inbox, and a prayer.

This fake-but-should-be-real eBook is the definitive handbook for anyone in payments who wonders why their merchants keep sneaking out the back door like teenagers escaping curfew. Spoiler alert: it’s not because of “market conditions,” “tough competition,” or “interchange pressure.” It’s because—brace yourself—you’re kind of a jerk to them.

Shocking, right?

Inside these pages, you’ll uncover the obvious-but-somehow-missed secrets of merchant retention, such as:

• Answering your phone before it becomes a hostage negotiation.
• Not billing random mystery fees and acting surprised when merchants freak out.
• Occasionally remembering merchants exist after they sign the application.
• Having systems built this century.
• And the mind-blowing concept that merchants are actually running stressful businesses without the luxury of spending 14 hours a day deciphering your statement layout.

You’ll also enjoy a guided tour through the behaviors that tank portfolios faster than a crypto rug-pull—like installing terminals without training, forgetting names, blowing off follow-up calls, and ghosting merchants with the enthusiasm of a Tinder date who realized your profile pic was from 2013.

But don’t worry: this book won’t just roast your soul. It’ll also give you the tools you need to keep merchants happy enough to stay, refer friends, and not curse your name each month when the batch settles.

By the end, you’ll see retention for what it really is: a professional lifestyle choice, like bathing regularly or not throwing your laptop every time an underwriter asks for one more document.

If you’d like to stop hemorrhaging accounts, start building real loyalty, and lose the reputation of “that ISO merchants warn each other about in Facebook groups,” congratulations—the self-improvement journey starts here.